Christmas outfit

T and I were hanging out yesterday, and I needed to be sure that his Christmas outfit still fit. The kid is a shrimp, and I was pretty sure last year's suit still fit. Yep, it did. I said, "Buddy! You look so handsome." "I will go look in the mirror, mommy!" Off he went. He was laughing and grinning at himself and he said, "Mommy, I look like a big guy going to work!" I loved it.

On another happy note, I had the best parent/teacher conferences tonight. I have never had any like these, and I am thankful after last year's fiasco. Yeah, for great days!

Life as I know it...

I was doing really well. I have had many wonderfully fun moments with my students this year.

But things aren't good. I am barely holding myself together. We are filing bankruptcy. The phone calls are blow after blow to my self-esteem. B and I are fighting. It's often and painful. I feel like I've lost my credit, my self-esteem, my best friend, and frankly, my life.

I know that I tend to over-react. I've been trying to work through that. On Friday, I had a good evaluation. At the end, however, he revisited dual-credit classes. I've been trying to hold them off. Grading tons and tons of writing with four preps is something I don't want to do. I already grade a lot. I've been the one closing the building down most nights. I think with my home situation on top of everything, I'm so overwhelmed that I can barely think straight. I figure I may need to get a second job. I have no idea how to be a good teacher, mom, wife, housekeeper, grader of a billion papers, and teacher at the college level in high school.

Since Friday, I have had a terrible headache. It is so much pressure. It won't go away. I don't really want to go on meds. I was doing so well holding all together until then.

I've lost 7 pounds. I'm proud of that. Oh, but how I want to try to eat away all of this at the same time as I'm sick to my stomach. I can't think straight anymore. I can't pretend it's all ok. I think maybe I should take a sick day soon. This is just not good. Holy moly.

If you are still reading any of this, God bless you. What a rant. I'll try for something a little more chipper soon.

The drum

T is going to be a drummer for sure. He has his own little set and he actually has pretty decent rhythm. He runs over to them and sings and bangs on them like his life depends on it. I'm thinking that before high school, I may need to soundproof the basement. I don't dislike it. For the most part, I can tune it out. But on those particularly crazy, harried days, I just wish for a few minutes of peace to regain my sanity.

We are having a Halloween party this year, and we have a ton of guests coming. He's got a lot of little buddies who will be in costume, and I love the fact that we'll all be hanging out. T is going to be Curious George, I'm going to be a flapper, and B is going to be Caesar. I didn't have the money to get much else this year, so I had to go to Walmart. Hey, costumes there aren't really all that bad!

On another note, I've lost 3 pounds on WW. I'm feeling better about myself, though I know that I'm having a tough week.

Today was also a little crazy, and I met my student teacher for the first time. I think she thinks I'm a little crazy. It doesn't help that I was talking about Chaucer with accelerated and we got graphic and silly. I love those kids, but I think she thinks I was over-the-top. We'll see. I'm interested to see what her style is. It wasn't too long ago that I felt I would never be able to be silly and fun in the classroom. Now, I love those moments the most. The kids feel much more comfortable being themselves. We may get off track every now and then, but I sure know who they are, and I know they are learning.

Weekends go too fast

I've spent most of the weekend doing schoolwork, and instead of feeling rested, I'm frustrated about going back. I'm sure it will all be fine, but it's not good when I feel ready to call off already!

T's meltdowns are becoming more and more frequent. I'm losing what little patience I have. I've tried ignoring, reasoning, getting down on his level, flipping out myself...yeah, nothing stops them. Today, it was whether or not I was going to read him a book. I was happy to do so. He just couldn't figure out if he wanted me to. Yeah...it's fun at my house.

T is going to be Curious George for Halloween. He had to try on his costume and wear it all around the house. He loves it, and I'm glad. I'm thinking of having a Halloween party. I bought plates and things in anticipation of having one. We used to have one every year. I love Halloween. It's a close second to Christmas for me...without any expectations. I love that.

I LOVE our Farmer's Market. I'm going to be so bummed when it ends here in a few weeks. I got the most beautiful bouquet of dahlias. I also made homemade spaghetti sauce again. B plays there next Saturday, and he usually gets really good tips. I'm always so proud of him for stepping outside of his comfort zone and playing for people.

I started back to WW yesterday. I wouldn't say I'm doing fantastic, but I went for a run/walk today, and I've been measuring portions because I know that's part of my problem. I'm hopeful but also afraid of failure. I'm going to run/walk again tomorrow after school. It will work out since I collect a huge stack of papers on Tuesday. I know I won't go anywhere that day.

Off to get T to bed. I love his nighttime ritual. I also love the smell of his newly washed hair.

No one tells you the tantrums will be quite like this. Last night, T decided at 8:30 that he HAD to have chocolate milk. I told him no. He proceeded to kick, scream, etc. I put him in time out. He refused to stay put. I put him in his room and literally held the door closed. He continued to scream and throw his sippy across the room. I guess he was offended that there was water in it. By 9, I was in my room and he was in the hallway screaming. I'm not sure what the parenting books would say to do at that point, but I was tired, angry, and trying to keep my cool.

I'm wondering if this is a phase or if he gets too much and that is why he freaked out. Maybe I'm already in need of Nanny 911!

On a good note, school was good today, and I'm working my way through week three at a comfortable pace.

I will be back on the treadmill tomorrow come hell or high water. I don't know how well I will do, but I will try. I did go for a mini walk tonight with the family, but I never get up a fast enough pace to break a sweat.

ah, exercise...and...mommy, I'll do it when I'm more bigger

Well, I must say that I am finally trying to be healthier. I started running, which is hillarious to me. I did pretty well at first, and then I tried to increase what I was doing. Big mistake. I got shin splints, but my right one is what really hurts. I made it 3/4 mile before really hurting myself, so I'm proud of that. I used my treadmill at home today and was dripping sweat when I finished.

I also re-joined Weight Watchers. I'm starting back on Saturday, but I wanted to try to journal what I am eating this week before I get on the scale Saturday. I want to track my activity as well. Right now, I'm shooting for working out Mondays, Wednesdays, and a day on the weekend. If I can make that Fridays, I will. If not, I'm thinking it might be sometime on Sunday.

As for T, he is making me laugh more and more every day. He keeps telling me he'll do things when he gets "more bigger." For instance, "Mommy, I'll be the tinman for Halloween when I get more bigger, ok?" Oh, every time he does it, it cracks me up. Plus, he told me the other day that Eeyore "ran out of juice." I just knew he had to hear that from his grandpa.

It's been a fun, busy weekend, so I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I'm sure my students are loving me because the speech kids are giving important speeches tomorrow. I make them dress in a bit dressier attire than they usually wear, and already they are groaning. ha! I can't wait to hear what they tell me about themselves tomorrow, though. It should be fun!

Overwhelmed

First, I have to say that Creed was awesome last night. However, as much as I enjoyed the show, I've decided I am too old to go to a concert and function the next morning. I had three hours of sleep. I tried to collect the same writing assignment from my students today...I'm thinking I wasn't really on my game. Last night, I was really enjoying the music. I loved being outside. However, B was complaining his knees hurt. Then my feet started to fall asleep. The band played all of the songs I wanted to hear, but they had a middle section that had a few new songs in it. You know how everyone just kind of bounces and rocks, even though they don't know the words? I was looking around thinking how funny we all looked. Overall, I'm glad I went, even though I paid for it today.

T spent the night with my dad and stepmom last night. He was so cute about it. I was having a MUCH harder time with it. I knew I wasn't going to see him until tonight, and that was harder than I expected. He, however, was more worried about what he was going to play and what he was going to eat.

School is harder than normal. I don't know why. It might be because of the insecurity at home. It might be because I have two new preps or just because I have four. I'm having trouble keeping up, and though that's typical for me since I like everything "just so," this is a lot worse. I'm not feeling like I've hit my groove yet, and I'm praying it happens soon. I really keep holding on to the fact that I have really good kids, and I'm liking it. I have no major stress with discipline at all. I love that part of it...it's a good change and a welcome one. I'm enjoying getting to know the kids, especially my junior accelerated. They told me hillarious stories about themselves the first day, and I just love how that class feels. It's really awesome.

Off to catch some much-needed sleep after I convince the little guy he needs some!

It's all good

I'm happy to say that today was probably the best first day of school that I've ever had. Not having freshmen, except for the accelerated, really made a difference. All classes were upbeat and fun, and I'm excited to start the year, though I'm sad to be losing a lot of time with Tristan.

On that note, we are going for a long walk tonight and to the playground. I'm hoping to just soak in the sun and the squeals he makes when he is happy. You know what? For today, I will forget all of the money issues and fear I have and say, "Today is really good."

Adventures

Since B has lost his job, T and B have been going on "daddy adventures." I love these because T's face lights up, and they almost always come back happy. Today, while I was starting my first day at school, the two of them had the most exciting adventures. They did most of these things at home, but just listening to them talk about playing Wiggles music on the guitar together or the fact that they put together every puzzle T has, just makes me all gooey inside.

At dinner tonight, T ate four small pancakes, eggs, and a piece of bacon! I was so surprised. He had to try all of the syrups that IHOP has to offer...butter pecan, strawberry, blueberry--he loved them all.

I start the first day back with my students tomorrow. I'm nervous, and maybe a little more than normal since I have not taught speech before. However, I was so happy to see my friends today. I work with great people. And you know what? I really love the kids. There may be many who try my patience, but for the most part, I work with some great ones. I'm really hopeful for a great year.

Family drama and other incidentals

So, I'm pretty sure my father is bi-polar. He's gone through crazy mood swings all of my life. Our relationship goes through ebbs and flows, and I have come to accept it for what it is. I try to understand who he is, though he angers me a lot. My dad is racist. Now, he thinks that just because he has spoken to black people at work, he isn't. Nope, he is.

My sister moved to Florida and started dating black men. Frankly, I don't care who she dates as long as she is happy, and he treats her right. My dad just could not handle it. He had a complete meltdown and has not spoken to her in a year. I tried to shield my sister by taking his screaming phone call. He never told her how he felt--he told me. She decided to call him last night so that she could "clear the air." He screamed at her about how he would never accept her and all kinds of crazy things about what happened when my parents were getting a divorce. Now, this happened over 17 years ago. Why neither of my parents are able to let go of all of this is beyond me. They chose each other; they created the situation. I don't know.

I guess that through some miracle, my dad found it in his heart to call her back. He made some threat about not getting stabbed in the back by her again. What the heck? I guess I'll never understand him as much as I try to. I mean, how can a parent stop talking to his/her kid? Why would that ever be acceptable in his mind?

On another note, T and B played hide and seek tonight. I just love when T runs screaming and giggling in the other direction..."Daddy, get me! Get me!" We had his friend over from school, and they played and ran and laughed, and it made me long for those long, warm summer months of my youth, when summer seemed to last forever. Now, the days are too short, even though they are the longest. I start school on Monday, and I'm dreading it--not because I don't like my job. I love working with the students. It's leaving T and all of the fun we've had this summer. With B starting school, I think we're all just a little nervous about the changes that are going to take place. Ah, such is life. Here's looking forward to a great fall and beginning of the school year.

Why?

So...I got a yucky virus that just hit me and knocked me down. Why is it when you feel the worst, your kid must have the most attention? "Mommy, play with me?" "Mommy, will you get me something?" I have always been fine with giving up so much for T. I understand it, though in the beginning it was so hard. Yeah, last night was REALLY hard. I wanted to get up and do something with him at the same time as I just wanted to lie there. Ew. So, hopefully, today will be easier and I'm on the road to feeling better.

Fishing, Daddy?

T asked my husband to go "on an adventure." Every time I hear them talk about it, my heart gets that gooey, mommy-type feeling. So, they go.

When they return, my husband has THAT look. Apparently fishing is not really something one should do with a toddler. T thought that it would be great fun to run around and mess with other guys' tackle boxes. I guess the epitome of embarrassment was when one of the guys said, "Hey, can you keep your kid out of my tackle box?" Needless to say, he came home in a bad mood, while my son was chirping about how much fun he had. I guess it's all in the perception.

I was lying on the couch because I haven't been feeling well today, and he said, "Mommy, I will lay with you. Maybe that will make you feel better." Some things just do.